Creeping Thoughts

I have been told that dealing with cancer is a personal journey – a life long emotional roller coaster that can, at times, be very lonely. Friends and family do all they can to support and lift me up, and I am very grateful for that, however, there are more times than I care to admit when my mind says “Hey, what if…” or “Are you sure this is working?” Man, I hate those creeping thoughts, and they always seem to come in the middle of the night, when I’m the loneliest. The other night, I had some discomfort. I’ve been awaken by pain before, and after a couple minutes I was able to tell myself “You idiot, you were playing tennis with Brittany and forgot to stretch afterward” or “Stupid, you and Alicia spent the day tilling the garden, now go back to sleep.” Lately however, my mind starts saying stuff like “You didn’t do anything today, you shouldn’t be sore.” Then it’s on – those creeping thoughts begin with the worst visions imaginable. I try to think of all the possible reasons for the aching, but creeping thoughts keep coming back. I try finding something on the television, but there are those creeping thoughts. I grab my comfort cross, which helps me focus on prayer, but creeping thoughts are still there. It ends up being a long night and I am so relieved to see the sun coming up. Throughout the rest of the day, I get the chance to talk with friends and family and with their patience and understanding, those creeping thoughts start to fade. I am relieved and thankful that God is able to use my friends and family to help me through this part of my emotional roller coaster, even though I know that creeping thoughts will find their way back.